i am the damaged one...

so i continue to fuck things up, and i really do not mean to like at all....i continue to blame people for things that i do and i don't know why i do it. i jus want to get past that point where i keep doing it to the people that mean everything to me....i need to quit doing a lot of things in my life, the things that keep on hurting the people that mean everything to me...idk why i keep doing it....i really need to sit down and think about what i have been doing to these people and cut it the fuck out because at some point they are going to cut me out of their lives and then i will have nothing left be my own wretched body, what the fuck is wrong with me? why do i keep doing this to people...idk what im doing anymore...i quit

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

Thanksgiving Break

so for this thanksgiving i thought that i would change it up, so i did. i came to wisconsin for thanksgiving to spend it with my gf and her family, its a pretty sweet place to be....its a totally different scene than the big O. but other than that i don't really miss it like i don't need to be in omaha anymore. idk its weird i jus feel like i have spend my time there and don't any more of it. i have also been thinking alot about my future over the last couple days or so and i have figured out what i want to do with my life and where i want to live and who i ultimately want to spend the rest of my life with....its been an eye opener and i think that i like it...but for now i gotta go


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

up and coming...

so im hoping that this week will go by quickly, mainly because i am going to wisconsin for thanksgiving with my girlfriend and her family....it should be a good time, i get to spend time getting to know her parents and her family better so that should be all kinds of fun, but i have a test in spanish next monday so thats kinda shitty and i also get to find out what i got on my philosophy test on thursday so im kinda excited about that too...idk what else to write about.....i declared my major finally. im gonna do photojournalism, i kinda want to become a photographer which would be a sweet job to have but thats just me....idk i have all kinds of energy right now and nothing to do, so maybe ill rearrange things in my room maybe....? idk yet ill figure it out

I'm outty 5

-Peace-

its been awhile....

Its been awhile since I've been on here, idk why I haven't wrote on this thing cuz I have so much on my mind these days....grades have been shitty, I almost lost the one girl in my life that makes my life and everything so much better but were good now which is good :) and idk what else to put....I'm goin home with her for thanksgiving so that's a big step for us, I get to meet her family and hang out with her and her family, and I'm excited about it....there is jus all kinds of things goin on in my life that I need to get on lock down and I think I figured out what I want to do with my life, I want to become a writer and write poetry and maybe even short stories...I just feel like everything is good in my life when I write...but I gotta go study

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

yeah...

so i haven't been on here in awhile.....this weekend i was sick with swine flu nation, it sucked but at the same time i didn't really mind it, i got to be isolated which gave me time to think about all kinds of things that are goin on in my life....i listened to all kinds of music got some studying done which was good....this is the week before fall break which will be good for everyone to be able to get away for awhile and whatnot...i have a paper due friday, a rehearsal dinner that night, my brothers wedding on saturday and the reception that night which should be a good time and then sunday is the wedding party breakfast at like 9:30 am which shouldn't be exciting because everyone will be hung over and whatnot hahaha but then the 19th is when our fall break starts and i think i might be going to oklahoma with my roommate which would be sweet especially since i haven't been out of the big O in awhile its a much needed break....idk i think tomorrow im goin to stay with the gf for the night so she doesn't have to stay alone....kinda nice of me huh? haha yeah i know...im hoping that this week goes by quickly because i need it to and this weekend should be fun, i get to see my oldest brother and his wife for the first time since summer so that should be good and i also get to see my relatives who i haven't seen in a long time, and they all get to meet my gf....idk how well she is gonna take all of that....we are very overwhelming people but thats jus how we are, my entire family is really close and i love that we are, i wouldn't have it any other way...idk what else to write about but for now i gotta go study some and get shit ready for this weekend...


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

rainy days and long ass weeks...

so its rained for like the last 2 or 3 days, and yeah i like the rain jus fine...it actually makes me a happier person idk why but it does...the only thing that i really don't like is when its windy as fuck and raining....that shit bugs the fuck out of me...its only tuesday right now, which sucks...i was hoping that this week would go by a lot faster but it jus hasn't, maybe i gotta wait till wednesday to get here and then it will go by quicker...or maybe its cuz i have a conference with my CW teacher on thursday....idk, like i feel like im ready for the conference and i know what i want to do with my paper and everything but im pretty sure shes gonna bring all kinds of new ideas into the picture that i don't think im ready to accept...when it comes to things that i write i really don't like changing them especially if its using my creative side....i jus don't like doing things by other people's standards....i like doing things my own way and usually they turn out pretty well, i mean i have been published like twenty or so times...so i guess im not good enough for the school? idk....fuck it....i do what i want....


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

my life, my life, my life....

so im pretty sure that i have decided what i truely want to do with my life...become a writer but at the same time i would like to be one of those people that helps other people deal with their problems, im like a natural consuelor....and im not trying to be cocky about that. its like i know how to talk to people and i like helping people with their probelms, people find something within me that they can connect to and they feel comfortable talking to me. when i first started school here like 2 or so years ago i was definitely considering being a therapist or something along those lines ya know? like someone that can get paid to talk to people all day and jus feel good when you help them with their problems or whatever is going on in their lives at the time. but idk what to do anymore....my actually profession that i wish i could undergo is a comedian, i love to make people laugh, its probly one of the greatest feelings that i could ever feel....but you have to be extremely funny to be about to do that, i want to do something with my life that not only i can benefit from but also everyone else around me....i want to be able to change the world and be the greatest at what i do....i know its asking for a lot but thats what i want....i jus needed to get that out of my head....


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

school...

so i know creighton is supposed to be a great school and everything and i definitely agree with that, but seriously if they can't even fix the card reader thing to get into the rooms how the hell do they expect us to be happy with them about anything? seriously, they need to get that shit on lock because my door hasn't been working correctly ever since i moved in back in may; legitimately get that shit on lock or we might jus have to start breakin the door to get in everyday.....and its annoying as fuck having to stand outside my door everyday swiping my card at least 30 times waiting for the reader to actually read my fuckin card....im still mad about it, but its time to study.....


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

my hoodie...

so ever since i got my rubix cube looking hoodie my sophomore year, i have heard of so many people asking who i was, haha its fuckin awesome....i mean seriously i have talked to many of my friends that were like yeah some one asked me who the kid with the rubix cube hoodie is today...haha and they always say Drew "Mother Fuckin" Ryder, haha that shit makes me laugh cuz thats what people call me, its pure bliss.....and now everywhere i go people know that its me by the hoodie and my multi colored shoes its jus how i do things haha....get some....haha i jus thought i would get that out there....i think i might be the only one that actually wears it on a regular basis...but i gotta go get some stuff done


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

125 hours awake

so i got a total of 12 hours of sleep from when i woke up sunday morning till probly early saturday morning would be my guess the next time i will sleep...so i was awake for about 125 hours this week...haha thats probly the longest i have ever been awake and the surprising thing is that im not really all that tired....i guess i jus used to staying up for long periods of time...i legitimately was awake like 87 % of this entire week...good lord i need to get back on a normal sleep schedule, the good thing about staying up all those hours was that i got all kinds of shit done...there was no one awake to distract me so all i did was read, do homework and write papers and everything turned out pretty fucking well...haha i don't know why i do it but i jus see to perform better early in the morning and late at night...but im gonna go finish a paper haha look at me....

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

college years so far...

so tonight my roommate and i were talkin about all kinds of stuff that has happened to us over the past like two and a half years....this kid means the world to me and we have been through so much together its fuckin crazy, seriously. we wrote down things that we should have never done since freshmen year and also epic moments that we have taken part in and/or seen happen....the shouldn't have done list is a little over three pages and i'm glad that when we bring them up we can not only laugh about them but remember everything that happened when it was going on...and then with the epic moments portion of our conversation; the list is about two and a half pages and the moments that we have shared with our friends are some of the best moments i have ever had in my entire life....i mean not to sound gay or whatever but him along with some of my other really close friends will always mean the world to me, i plan on have more epic moments along with more shouldn't have done moments haha....its jus the way that we interact with each other makes them seem to me at least like they are the other family that i never knew i had....i will always be there for these people and i know they will be there for me too. i love these people with all of my heart because we understand each others pasts and presents and we don't judge because everyone is different in their own way and we respect them for who they are...i jus needed to get that out of my head before i lost it. I love you guys.

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

life in general

so life is pretty solid right now....theres multiple things i remain to not understand....first being why people expect me to want to do everything that they want to do....like going out to some random ass dude's house who i have never met in my life ever, thats coo if you have met him but that still doesn't tell me anything; more power to you...that shit doesn't fuckin involve me....you can go places by yourself, i hope you do understand that? probly not though since you always need to go places with other people, but whatev. i hate people in general anyway. also i don't get why people like to start rumors about me or people that are close to me....thats a horrible idea on their part because i WILL find out and then i will find you, and we will have a lil "chat" about it.....haha im done with this shit...for now at least.

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

guess what

so i haven't been on here in awhile, so from what happened over the last couple days or so.....my buddy turned 21 we went big for that no doubt about it haha....some douche bags decided to fuck with me which was a no go on their part....haha they will know how we deal with people that like to start prank wars with me hahaha we go big or go home, and we will definitely go big for this one....but other than that jus learning about all kinds of shit but the one thing thats stands out to me the most is FGM, and if no one knows what that is look it up or take philosophy with Prof F, cuz he will open up your mind to all kinds of different concepts and what not....that shit is fuckin crazy and at the same time fuckin wrong dude....women deserve the right to decide what happens to them in their lives. thats all i got right now...

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

swine flu

so the whole thing about the swine flu is pretty much cared about way too much, i mean seriously it is mainly fatal to babies, old people and to the people that aren't in very good health to begin with. what the hell is up with everyone's parents freakin out about it, if your kid is in good health then it will be jus like the normal flu...get them a Z pack and the kid should be good, yeah they get to miss class for a few days which probly would be legit for your kid, all they would have to do is sit around and not have to go to class...the life an incoming freshman dreams of, right? pretty sure thats what they would be thinkin; also living in the freshmen dorms you are more likely to get some kind of sickness because its the first time they have been around new people from all over and it is bound to happen...so fuck everyone that is freaking out about the god damn swine flu, if you get it then you get a vacation for a bit and don't have to go to class, look at you gettin sick and not having to do shit haha

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

Staying Up Real Late...

So i think that if i jus stay up the whole night its actually better for me than to get sleep...my sleeping cycle is all kinds of messed up...if i get anywhere between 5-10 hours of sleep i won't wake up, but if i get 4 hours or less i can wake up and feel refreshed. its weird how it works out like that...i would just rather stay up and actually get homework/studying done rather than sleep (which is so much better for me).

another thing is that im going to meet the girlfriend's parents/family next friday or saturday, i don't really know what to think yet...usually i have no problems with meetings parents but after she told me that i was her first boyfriend to actually meet them, it might be weird....haha i don't know why im freakin out about it, parents love me. and she wants to meet my parents/family before i meet hers for some reason....i don't know i don't really get it...but im hoping shes ready for a very open group of people cuz thats pretty much what we are....we are like each others best friends, its jus how we do it.....but i gotta go study more...ill be back either later today or tomorrow at some point, but for now.....


I'm outty 5
-Peace-

Labor Day Weekend

i went to boji with the fam and some of my friends from school...it was a lot of fun boatin' on a boat haha thats pretty much all we did the entire weekend plus some other stuff...i met some coo people also, the bouncer at the gardens was pretty coo until the other bouncers decided to kick us out for not having our IDs on us which was fine i guess, thats their job right? probly jus power thirty SOBs that can't do anything else legit with their lives then kick people out of the gardens for no apparent reason but whatev...barefoot was the shit, we talked to a wooden statue for a good 15 mins. haha solid weekend...but driving back was a bitch...im tired as a mug....thats all i got for now...

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

2:20 AM

so its currently 2:20 am and i can't sleep....im listening to Boston by Augustana, i like the song. I don't really know why it jus seems like everyone can relate to it. I don't even know why im still up this late, its like when you stay up and you know that you have stuff to do....idk it just seems like i know that i should go to sleep but in all honesty i can't go to sleep when i have all kinds of things on my mind. I need to get out of omaha, i've been here for 20 years now....born and raised here. It sucks but at the same time i love it...everyone i grew up with are here and all the amazing people i met in college still go to school here. I know that if i went to college anywhere else i wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet such awesome people. I mean i met my best friends here, in college is where you meet your true friends because you are always around them, and i know that not everyone likes me but at the same time i know so many people at this school that i don't really get why i have wanted to ever think about going to a different school....i know people think that i'm crazy and thats fine....i'm even good with people saying that I'm Drew "Mother Fuckin" Ryder...hahaha that shit makes me laugh....i think that its awesome that i can have such a badass nickname when its not actually a nickname at all haha it incorportates my name haha idk what i'm talking about. if people would really take the time to get to know me they would see that i'm not just the guy that knows everyone, the guy that likes to have a good time....i am really a nice person even if i don't come off that way....if people knew the real me....they would know that i write poetry, i'm always there for me friends whenever they need me, i really don't care what other people think of me, haha that i cocky about somethings (and yes i will admit to that), i'm actually someone that people can talk to about anything because i will not judge them. that is because i have been judged so much as i was growing up that i know exactly how it feels...idk i don't have anything else right now...maybe another day...haha probs tomorrow or something

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

Life

life changes but you just have to deal with it, today i went to a funeral for a man that i have known for the past 16 years, no he wasn't related to me but at the same time he felt like he was my grandpa. It was my best friends grandpa that died on August 27th, he meant the world to everyone that went to the funeral today. I tried my hardest not to cry but in all honesty i cried because there are somethings that you need to cry about. He could always make johnny and myself laugh everytime we would talk to him. It sucks that he died but at the same time he lived the last 60 years of his life in pain and now hes in a better place without any pain. His family was like my second family we have so much history together, and i am glad that we could be apart of each others lives. It sucks having to go to funerals of people that have made a difference in your life.

“Spread love everywhere you go: First of all in your own house... let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness.”

Thats a qoute by Mother Teresa of Clacutta

R.I.P. John D. Carlson
August 3rd 1928 to August 27th 2009

I'm outty 5
-Peace-

Your Only Chance

It's Called Your Only Chance

Theres a sea of black,

tears streaming down your face.

Sirens blaring around you,

blood splotches across the ground.

Hating yourself so much,

for what you did.

Thoughts spinning in your head

flashes of it,

playing over and over,

Imprinting into your mind.

You can never take it back,

this feeling will haunt you

for the rest of your life.

You were given a chance

to take the blue or red pill,

you chose the wrong one,

it was the biggest mistake ever.

Staying up crying

wishing you had another chance,

so none of this was happening

the thing is, you only

get one chance

to make a difference.

Choose wisely.

school begins again

so the first 3 days of class were pretty exciting, I thought I wasn't going to see any of my friends but turns out I saw "everyone" like 5 times each. It was a good first couple days, and all my teachers are pretty ballin. By far my favorite class thus far would have to be my creative writing class, mainly because I want to get published at a college level to say that I have more to show for myself than just gettting published at a high school level.

seriously though I'm very surprised that i got the classes/teachers that I have right now, it's lookin to be a good semester....haha gotta love Creighton.

but I'm outty 5
-Peace-

so this is definitely my first time blogging. I don't really enjoy the whole blogging thing, it's just not something I see a point in.

My Favorite Website would probably be spreadshirt.com mainly because I enjoy making shirts that are different from everyone else, I just like to wear clothing that stands out. It's just the way I do it.

My Least Favorite Website is more than likely yahoo.com only because whenever I try to search for anything on the website it never actually gets me to where I am looking for.

That was real exciting.

-Peace-